Dear Mrs Chapman,
I would like to suggest to you a totally new fun and exciting Focus Week trip. On this Trip the destination will be Hawaii. Attractions include to good beaches, great spa’s and swimming pools. Students and teachers will get the chance to go wake boarding, surfing, canoeing, kayaking and wind sailing. Even if they don’t like to do any of these things they can play around on the beach and even sunbathe. We will also will be able to have a lot of tours around Hawaii. We will also be able to fly over Hawaii and look at some of the famous volcanoes from bird eye view.
This trip will cover Creativity as well as the Action mentioned above. The Creativity section is that students will have to take photos of Hawaii and the many interesting geological things like rock formations. At the end of this trip the students will have to form small groups of three or four to make a movie on this fantastic week. So If you like this idea and you would like to put it up on next years Focus week activity sheet, please do so. I hope you really like this Focus week trip, it is really going to be an epic and exciting 7 day trip.
Yours sincerely,
Sam Williams.
Arjun: Improvement:
Language - You started of well but as I progressed towards the end I felt dullness in your writing.
Structure - You could use paragraphs more often.
Audience - Well wrote.
You could write about what the pupils would achieve.
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